Your wife is having an affair.

The first step is to take a deep breath.

The place you’re at is one of the toughest to be in during a marriage. You are hurt. You are angry. You feel betrayed. You know that something has to change.

You are correct. Something does have to change.

Either you (or you and your spouse) have to take decisive steps to restore your marriage, or you need to take decisive action to end the marriage. As tough as that sounds, those are the only two real options. Some people think if they ignore the problem it will go away, but with a wound this deep, that’s just not realistic. An affair is way too big of a problem to ignore or simply pretend nothing is wrong. It will not go away unless you force the issue.

If you want to save your marriage, it’s possible. A large number of marriages have succesfully survived infidelity. However, it will be a painful process and will take a lot of effort on both of your parts. The first step might be the most difficult and painful of all.

Your wife has to remove himself/herself from the “affair environment.”

If they’ve been in an affair at work, they have to immediately quit their job and find another. If they’ve been involved with a neighbor, it’s time to put the house on the market and move. If the “other woman” (or man) is someone at church, you must change churches. If the other woman/man won’t let go, you might even have to pick up and move to another city.

Does that sound extreme? Of course it is. However, this should be 100% non-negotiable.

If they say, “I’m sorry,” it’s a great step. However, it will be impossible for you to restore trust while your spouse is still near the other person — still around the other person during their day. It really doesn’t how against these moves your spouse might be. If your spouse wants to get past the affair, they have to put you first. You have to be the most important thing in their life.

You.

Not his work. Not your kids. Not your house. Not her church.

It takes a lot of personal strength to give your spouse this kind of an ultimatum when all you really want is to salvage your marriage, but it really is the only way things will turn around.

Your spouse will probably give you excuses. “If I leave this job, I’ll be going backwards in my career.” “This is our dream home.” “I’d hate to make the kids change schools.” “But this is our church!”

What they’re really saying is that they’d rather just tell you that they’ve stopped seeing the other person but they want to keep their options open.

They’ve already lied to you. In many cases the lies have gone on for years. Without a significant distance between the parties, what are the chances that they’ll suddenly start telling the truth?

So if you’re willing to make the attempt to keep them after you discover they’re involved with someone else, removal from the affair environment is the first step.

Things will still be difficult from this point, but they will be much more manageable with help. Having an affair doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage.